Oliver called The Phanatic an "absolute master of the mascotical arts," but then went on to roast the Phillies for the makeover the Phanatic received in response to the lawsuit. "Forget the fact that he has scales, for no reason, or the bullshit star shapes around his eyes, they changed the Phanatic's honker," Oliver whinged, complaining about the redesigned snout.
"It's a cylinder now, which is ridiculous. The Phanatic's honker is supposed to be conical. He's supposed to have a conical honker. And now they've made him look stupid. Respect the conical honker," Oliver implored. It's hard to argue with impassioned logic like that.
"The old Phanatic was perfect the way he was. Look at him. He's a Sesame Place 10. But now, he's a Times Square at best," Oliver said.
Oliver said that if the Phanatic becomes a free agent "that my friends, is where we come in. If the Phanatic does indeed hit the open market, we're putting ourselves at the front of the line." A recruiting video narrated by Bob Costas implored the Phanatic to join the most stacked lineup in mascot history, to join forces with the likes of Jeff the Diseased Lung, Bolivian Traffic Zebra, Creepy Baby with Hulk Hands, and Mr. Nutterbutter the squirrel.
"We've got an empty pedestal waiting for you," Costas told the Phanatic. "It's time to fulfill your destiny. If there's going to be a bidding war, we're going to go nuclear. Name your price, you magnificent beast." The bit ended with Oliver showing off what could be the Phanatic's "Last Week Tonight" jersey.
Watch the whole bit on HBO.
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